some lessons learned

it's been 12 days since i found out i don't have a job for next year.

in those 12 days a million emotions have filled my heart and about 3 million thoughts have filled my mind. i've lost a lot of sleep, talked about the same things over and over with joel, prayed, thought, cried, and prayed some more.

i felt afraid. what are we going to do without my salary? joel's health insurance would only cover 60% of my care. i felt sad. i'll never see my little tykes from this year again. oh my gosh, i love these kids. they'll be surprised next year when i'm not in my classroom. frustrated. ARGHHHHHHHHH i spent sooooooo many hours making lesson plans for this curriculum. i put so much effort and thought into this year. confused. if the decision wasn't based on my performance and they said i'm doing a great job, why did they choose to let me go? useless & unimportant. sure they had to cut 18% of the budget but why am i replaceable? what am i missing that others have so they could keep their jobs? angry. confused. anxious. so so so sad.

a few lessons that i've learned, though...
1. God has given me a precious, precious gift in giving me Joel. he has become more and more the perfect man for me. he listens when i say the same thing for the gazillionth time. he hugs me and tells me i'm awesome and helps me edit my resume.
2. i'm not in control. i can plan our life to the very last detail but i can't control things like jobs, finances, and the future. that needs to be okay.
3. money should be kept carefully and spent wisely. i cannot be frivolous or spend it carelessly as i have done some times these past two years.