Good and bad things lately

Good. It's sunny. I have a personal day to use today so I am living it up. We don't have to move this summer.
Bad. It's 95 degrees this week. We aren't moving this summer, which is bad and good, mostly just confusing because we thought there was an open door from God but it has closed.

Good. We have almost all our support raised for Spain. Praise The Lord. I get to have a free ChickFilA salad for lunch today.
Bad. Junior high sleepover tonight. Why is that bad? Middle school girls don't tend to actually, um, sleep, at sleepovers. I'm gonna have to either be the bad guy and make them, or just stay awake myself. Clearly it's going to be door number one. Duh. And other than that fact, this item could go on the good list. I love those kids.

Good. Our fence was the only thing damaged in the fire we had last Sunday night.
Bad. Somebody intentionally set two cars on fire in the church parking lot last Sunday night which spread to our fence and huge pine tree. It was super scary.

Good. We serve a perfect, mysterious, loving God who chooses to bless us and care for us. I am overwhelmed by his love.

Owning this season

I just came home from work, chatted with my momma for a few minutes, and read this blog post in the quietness of my room. http://influencenetwork.blogspot.com/2013/05/its-your-season-own-it.html

As I have shared before, this year has been a hard season for us. Through the grace of God, I have tried my hardest to own the season, to share honestly about the confusion and heartache and frustration we have felt. I have tried to write here, so others can know, and for my own long term memory to be clear.

There are lots of conclusions I came to through my social media fast the last two weeks. Some I am still processing and won't be able to share yet, but here is one:

The Lord is here, with me, in seasons of loss and doubt. The Lord is good and patient and longs for me to cling tightly to His truth. The Lord has forgiven me and sent his son, his child, to die because of his great love.

Pretty big conclusion.

gems from students

Today I got three funny letters from kids I subbed for on Tuesday. Their teacher asked for a report, so I told her they'd misbehaved and she made them write apologies. Thought I'd share a couple tidbits:

"Dear Mrs. Alberts, I am sorry for my behavior yesterday. It may have been the heat that made me act the way I did. I hope you accept my apology."

"Dear Mrs. Alberts, I am sorry for how silly I acted yesterday. I was a little too jumpy and I couldn't catch myself. I couldn't control it and I'm very sorry for my inappropriate behavior."

"Dear Mrs. Alberts, I am sorry for how me and my table acted, we were out of hand and we will try are hardest to do better next time. I hope you forgive us because you have alot on your hands. I hope that you forgive us so carma doesn't come to get us."

[I hope "carma" does come get you, little punks :)]

Also today, I had my ESL students complete an end-of-the-year survey. Here's what one said:

"Mrs. Alberts, I love you so much. I want to you teach us next year. You are nice and pretty! You are strict in the class and I love it. I hate someone talking when you talking. I love your teaching, just more harder."

Since Saturday

Since Saturday, in numbers...

Times I've been tempted to just look at a blog really quick: 29 (at least)
Mornings started with SheReadsTruth.com: 7
Pages of "real" books read: 250+
Times I clicked on Pinterest to for a recipe that turned out poorly: 2
Phone calls with long distance loved ones: 4
Loads of laundry completed: 5
Photos viewed on Facebook because Joel logged in and showed me: 2
Moments of quiet without being bombarded by what I might be missing in life: 1,000+
Times of prayer, surrendering this idol, again and again: 25+
Conversations with others who were encouraged by this fast: 3
Games of Fruit Ninja played, since that's one of the few things I do in the iPad that doesn't involve social media: 47+
Focused, un-distracted conversations with Joel: 5 at least
Grad school papers filed for the first time in years: 95+

Moments of regret for this decision: zero

(One week down. One long week to go!)

Day three of the blog fast

Some reflections so far... On Saturday I temporarily deactivated my Facebook account. The fact that you can easily do it without losing your account completely made the whole thing a little less painful. I did a whole lot of organizing and laundry on Saturday.

Sunday was easier than Monday. I had plenty of chores to do, plus I was under the weather and used my free time to get some extra rest. I also snagged three cheap books at a yard sale so I started reading one of those in the afternoon sun. Peaceful.

Monday at work was hard. I was so tempted to click on a blog during my free period at school. Nobody would know and I was antsy. Instead I got up and walked around to visit my friend in another classroom.

Tonight was really annoying. The cookies I planned to make have to go in the fridge for two hours, so I can't make them tonight and now have all this free time. I thought, "crap! Two weeks is too long!" Which I guess means its just the right amount of time!

I have really really really been enjoying starting my day with SheReadsTruth.com! It is wonderful to have something productive and meaningful I can do on the iPad when I first get up.

In sad news, I got rejected for yet another job I wanted. It is beyond frustrating to not even get an interview for jobs that I could do with excellence. In my opinion, one of the worst catch 22s in life is that employers only hire people with experience, but how do people get experience if nobody will hire them? Arghhhhh!!!

Quitting the blogs

Today on a run with my BFF, my eyes were finally opened to what I've been avoiding for many, many months. I need to surrender. I need to face up to my addiction and I need to do it now. I need to quit the blogs. Not this blog, necessarily, but the 10-15 blogs I check every.single.day. And I need to quit Facebook & Twitter... all at the same time.

I have justified and procrastinated and avoided this for months. I've said, "But the bloggers I follow are so encouraging and have such good ideas." I even used this very wise post to lie to myself and convince myself that my massive internet dependency was okay. It's not. I am addicted. Reading about other people's lives is my idol.

Partly due to my internet dependency, my friendships have suffered. My relationship with Joel has sometimes been neglected. My self-image and self-worth have plummeted. I've stopped reading books. I've slacked on things like keeping the bathroom clean and my paperwork organized.  I've lost a lot of my motivation to work out. I've become very impatient and very discontent with my life, my circumstances, my blessings, and my gifts.

Now, let me say: this is a multi-faceted issue in my heart. I'm naturally, as a sinful human, selfish and discontent. My heart is the culprit here, not the internet itself. Unfortunately, my lack of self control has resulted in (what started as relatively harmless) internet wandering becoming an addiction, something to feed my sadness, loneliness, boredom, and frustration.

There were three big factors contributing to serious self-realization and to this decision to quit the blogs:

1. I believe in the Holy Spirit. As I've read my Bible and prayed through the losses we've faced this year, God has worked in me through the Holy Spirit. My sin has become apparent and His grace has covered me in new and powerful ways.

2. My husband. Gosh, this man! Joel has encouraged me at least three different times this year to limit my internet use. He knows the ways it robs my joy. He knows my tendency to compare and become dissatisfied. He has lovingly confronted my addiction and remained faithful despite the many times I've ignored his wisdom.

3. The internet! Ironically enough, I've read things lately that have pushed me to take this fast from blogs, Facebook, and Twitter. It basically started with this post. I considered giving up sugar, but realized my reasons were mostly selfish: I wanted my acne to improve. And really, giving up sugar would improve my health, but I don't crave sugar like I do my daily blog reading/Twitter stalking. The final straw was reading this post, just after my run this morning. This lady quit Facebook for many of the same reasons I'm quitting it all.

I'm giving myself a two week goal. In those two weeks I will not read other people's blogs, I will not check Facebook, and I will not check Twitter. I expect to be blogging here, posting about how things are going, what I'm learning, how the Lord is changing me. But that's it. Email, She Reads Truth, my blog, and recipes on Pinterest.

mulling things over

Last night I read this blog post. Then this afternoon I stumbled upon this one. The first is all about toddlers and independence and supporting young children as they grow. The second is about how American parents raise children differently from parents in many other countries. Both were super interesting to me as a teacher and as someone who really would like to be a parent someday.

So I've been mulling them over...

The post about toddler-hood is mind-blowing. Really, it should be totally "duh" for me. I know about children's development. I know young kids love to do things themselves. I know they need extra time to learn and grow and experiment. I see a lot of kids in my classes who are NOT independent and who can't deal with frustration well. I see a lot of kids who I'd consider lazy and who drive me crazy with their incessant need for entertainment. But I know as a teacher (and think probably as a parent, too) that it's a real challenge to live within children's time frames. It's hard to slow down and let loose the schedule and say "Yes!" as much as possible. Even though I know it and I feel my job as a teacher would be easier if parents did it, I do recognize the difficulty...

I don't connect as clearly with the second article, probably because I'm not yet a parent. But even as a child-less teacher, I recognize the value in allowing kids to take risks and I recognize the beautiful pain in allowing them to face frustration... We love kids! We want to protect them and help them and make them happy. But really, truly, we want them to grow and learn and soar on their own. They need us as teachers (and parents!) to give them opportunities to climb to the top of the tall trees and slide down the big slides and jump off the high diving boards (Thanks, Dad!). We need to let them fail and give them time to play outside and show them how to take responsibility seriously.

The following quote could probably be a blog post in itself, but I wanted to add it here because it sums up an idea I think meshes nicely with the two posts I mentioned above. It's from one of my favorite bloggers:  

"It is a wondrous and heart wrenching predicament, to dedicate yourself to growing and loving another soul so successfully that they eventually establish their own independence."

(image here)

Things I'm Pinning, 4

Consider this the "random" version of my Pinterest posts. I've done food & baby, but today I'm just listing the miscellaneous things I've loved from around the web lately.

Gosh, I'd love for this to be my kitchen. Open shelving, bright colors, lots of vintage Pyrex. Awesome!

Here's a good teaching idea. Instead of having one Pinterest board for education stuff, I've separated them into three categories: literacy, management, and fun projects/ideas. There are SO many awesome ideas out there!

This story is incredibly beautiful. What a testimony! "I almost fell into the trap of “why me?” Bitterness tried to grab me like a thief. But over and over I was reminded, yes, why NOT you? Have I ever gone hungry? Have I ever been unloved for even one minute? Have I ever been truly alone? No. Never. I have always been given more than I deserve. Because I deserve death."

Love this blogger & her sweet perspective on the differences between first and second children.

If I created a dream guest room, it'd look kinda like this.

Plus! A beautiful post to "Teachers Everywhere"

Granada: the ugliness of my heart

I sometimes check in on this little blog & today I stumbled upon this little post. I love Jami's honesty and humility. God has really changed her life & I'm so encouraged to read what she writes. You should look around on her blog a little. She and her husband have an incredible story of God's perfect repair of their incredibly broken marriage. Life changing, I tell you.

Anyway, all that to say, I love what she wrote about her trip to Haiti. So I'm going to quote her:

"i'm not under any illusion that i'm going to "help" people in haiti. i think they are going to help me. i'm selfish and comfortable and i need God to change my heart. i need to see how big God is."

That's me. I'm not going to Granada because I think I can save anyone or really even help the kids. But I do think seeing their lives and their needs and their faith can help me.

It can challenge me and grow me and break my hard, stubborn heart.

So here we go. 


Note: You guys!!! Have you ever Googled "Granada, Spain"??? The images are unbelievably beautiful. Why haven't I seen them before?! 

(image here)