disappointed. yet hopeful, too.

This morning I had the first day of training for my new job. It went well and I came home feeling ready for what's ahead. Then I checked my email to find a (very kind) email saying someone else was chosen to work at the nursery school. Disappointment, doubt, frustration, and fear flooded me once again.

That means in the last two months I've been openly rejected for three jobs I so badly wanted. In addition to the numerous please-see-my-attached-resume emails that never got answered. Thoughts enter my mind: Aren't I qualified? How am I supposed to get the experience employers say I lack if nobody will hire me? I've always done my jobs well and gotten glowing recommendations... why doesn't my resume grab people's attention? What am I supposed to do with my time? Isn't this passion for educating children a gift from God? Why, then, isn't he answering my pleas for all these jobs? What does he have for me? What am I supposed to learn from all this?

A few blogs on my radar are written by strong, truth-speaking, Christian women. As I baked away my frustrations with a blueberry pie just now, I found this post. Rachael says, "I'm learning that living by faith doesn't have to always involve pain or discomfort or doing without, although it always involves uncertainty."

Well spoken. And deeply felt by this uncertain heart of mine.

 

We are in uncertain times here. We're living by faith that God will provide, financially, of course, but also in terms of providing our hearts' desires. We want to do meaningful, important work. We want to save money. We want to have babies and raise a family. We want to travel. We want to keep a cozy, beautiful home.

And yet, here's the obvious truth. It's not about us. It's not about what we want. Joel and I have prayed for God's will to be done in our lives and our prayers have been constantly answered. Lately we haven't gotten what we want. Right now, living by faith involves a lot of pain. A ton of uncertainty. But a lot of hope, too.